By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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