i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
