If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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