i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
