he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
