If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
