I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
