I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
