Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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