im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
