Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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