my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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