Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
