I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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