omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
