Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
