I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
