Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
