Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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