I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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