Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
