porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
