I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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