Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
