My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
