hotel room ftw
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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