alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize