The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
