I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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