my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
