I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
