Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's never too late to be topless.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
