when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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