That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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