Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
this hospital has no fireball
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
