I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
