i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
