You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
