all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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