Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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