jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize