Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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