"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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