1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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