No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
