Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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