ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize