Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
