so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
