u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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