He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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