90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
