God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
