i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
