if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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