when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
