my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
