from now on my penis is your penis
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
