First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
True strength comes from lack of pants
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
